You are your own master

Tasneem HossainTasneem Hossain
Published : 9 July 2020, 00:48 AM
Updated : 9 July 2020, 00:48 AM

Your body is trembling, you can feel your face turning red, you can't sit still and suddenly you blurt out: "Can you please stop!"

There is a pindrop silence. Someone meekly says, "It's time for me to go back to work," and leaves. Gradually, almost everyone leaves. You sit and stare at thin air with watery eyes. Has it ever happened to you?

You are having a fun conversation in the chatbox with your friend. Suddenly your friend gets agitated and stops responding. The next morning you see your friend has blocked you.

Do these ring a bell? These incidents happen quite often which result in ruined relationships, with friends, relatives or colleagues. Sometimes you connect again but the relationship is never the same.

These happen because of strong emotions swelling up inside us – be it stress or anger or depression. Unless we are able to control our emotions, these types of undue behavioural problems will stay with us, ruining many precious relationships in our lives. If chronic anger flares up often and gets out of control, it can have serious consequences on our careers; and physical and mental health.

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

The truth is you lose a lot more than the proverbial sixty seconds, maybe sixty days, six months even your whole life.

Is it worth it?

You need to take control.

We need to understand that anger is a normal human emotion. Anger can be triggered by both external and internal factors. It may arise if someone mistreats us or we think we have been maltreated. Stress and depression also cause irritability leading to anger. It might feel that it's out of our control. Actually we have more control over our anger than we think.

In fact, our body gives us physical warnings before we explode. It can help us to take steps to manage our anger before it gets out of control.

Each individual has his or her own body signals. But there are some common warnings. The body starts sweating; trembling of hands, lips, or jaws occurs; breathing becomes difficult, the heart starts pounding, eyes become moist, and ears, face and neck become flushed. Sudden, severe headache, fidgeting, raised voice, dizziness, loss of concentration, restlessness – these are all the first signs of anger boiling inside us.

If we are able to identify these in time, then we can act quickly before it spins out of control. There are many techniques that can help us cool down and keep anger in check.

Some ways to control anger on the spot:

– Take deep breaths to the abdomen through the nose and exhale from the mouth.

– Mentally calm yourself thinking of someone you love and visualise the person smiling at you, or of something that makes you happy – go to your happy place!

– Be silent. You may be tempted to let the angry words fly, but it will do more harm than good. Give yourself some time to become calmer and respond positively.

– If you think that having some humour or using logic would break the ice- do it! Rehearse mentally what you're going to say in a calm and soothing tone. For example, you may say with a smile, "Let's change the topic and talk about something else and continue this conversation tomorrow when we are calmer." Humour will reduce tension and anger; a probable conflict may become an opportunity for greater communication and understanding.

– Drink a glass of water slowly, taking each sip with gratitude.

– Think of all the good things in your life and be grateful.

– If possible, excuse yourself graciously, get up and walk.

– Sing a tune or listen to some music. Let your imagination fly and dance with the rhythm.

– Relax your muscles by stretching out your body and neck.

Initially, you might find these techniques to be difficult but with patience and dedication, it is achievable.

The next steps can be after the incident:

– Jot down what happened in a diary. What made you angry and what you could have done to stop being aggravated. It helps cope more effectively in future.

– If the harm has already been done then think of effective ways how you should respond the next time. Moreover, when things are calmer, talk it over. If needed, apologise. In the long run, it will help you.

– Talk to a trusted and supportive friend about the incident. It will drizzle out the negative emotions and you might even find a solution.

– Try to find out what angers you or which people anger you; avoid those things and people, as much as possible.

– Empathise. Try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. You may gain new insight and become less angry.

Make the following a part of your daily routine:

– Get sufficient sleep every night. Quality sleep contributes to mental and physical health. Researchers have linked sleep deprivation to be instrumental for a number of health problems, including anger.

– Regular exercise for 20-30 minutes every day is an effective way to ease tension and stress that can make you more relaxed and positive throughout the day.

– Avoid alcohol and drugs. Consuming too much caffeine can also leave you more irritable and susceptible to anger.

– Be positive in your thoughts about people and things around you.

– Let go of negativity in your attitude. Bearing a grudge can fuel anger, making it harder to control.

– Practise relaxation techniques such as meditation, muscle relaxation and deep breathing. You'll feel calmer and more in control of your emotions.

– Smile more. Have happy thoughts rather than clinging to failures and negativities in your life.

– A great technique is when you wake up in the morning: relax, smile and say to yourself, "It's a beautiful day. I am alive and grateful for all the things in my life. I am happy and will stay positive the whole day." It will work wonders, if you believe and implement it.

Make relationships your priority, be it your colleagues, family or friends. Winning arguments may satisfy your ego but maintaining and strengthening relationships have long-lasting benefits on the overall wellbeing and quality of life. The true goal of anger management is to understand the emotion and express it in a healthy way. You'll not only feel better, but your needs will also be more likely fulfilled. Mastering the art to manage your bitter emotions in a positive way takes work, but the more you practise, the easier it will become. The result is self-rewarding. It will help strengthen your relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying happy life.

Anger can also be a symptom of other underlying health problems, such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or chronic stress. Be honest to yourself. Humans are human because of these positive and negative emotions together. Nurture the positive ones and learn to let go of the negative ones. If, despite putting these anger management techniques into practice, your anger is still spiralling out of control leading to violent dangerous behaviour, or hurting others, you need more help. Consult a mental health practitioner. They can help determine if it's something that will go away on its own or whether you need professional help.

These are tough times. Staying at home, deprived of our normal activities, we are stressed out. Depression might seep in leading to irritability and anger. We need to be positive in our outlook. Always believe that there is a silver lining waiting to embrace us.

It is you, who has to take action. You have to begin. You are the master of your emotions. Control the beast and let the beauty shine through. Let positivity be your goal.

Take control before it takes control of you!!!

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the writer's own for informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for consultation with a licenced healthcare practitioner.