The married conundrum

As COVID-19 beats its wings more ferociously across Bangladesh, people are facing more difficulties than ever before. Among those difficulties is what I am calling "the married conundrum". This is a difficulty which is currently present in most households and is causing a lot of worries. This is basically the worry felt by married people who live away from their parents.

Because of the coronavirus, the alert people have stopped calling in their part-time help (chauffeurs, cleaners and cooks) and are having to do it all by themselves. A lot of very lucky people have full-time help, but those who do not have full-time help, and especially if they are getting on in years, are in real difficulty. They are having to cook, clean, do office work, enquire after friends, relatives and the elderly about their wellbeing and needs, shop for groceries and sanitize those groceries all by themselves. "The married conundrum" is for those people whose parents are in this boat, because they cannot leave their own household to take care of their parents. Some lucky people, like some of my cousins, have brought their parents to their house and are enjoying some time with them. Some people, like our neighbours, are in an even worse situation. Their mother has tested positive for COVID-19 and is having to take care of her granddaughter (her husband and her daughter, my neighbour's father and sister respectively, passed away a few days ago due to this disease), and our neighbours are not being able to help or bring them here as they have a young son of their own.

I, myself, am facing this conundrum. I am fortunate enough to have an amazingly understanding and supportive husband and parents-in-law, who have no objections to me staying with my parents for the past month. However, the difficulty is still there in the form of being separated from them for such a long time. There are several women I know who have not been able to see their parents for the past few months, and are not in a position to help them, whether due to distance or other obligations. Many men are also in this situation, such as my neighbour as I have mentioned above, and others who live apart from their parents. Many kids have found different ways of helping out their parents. My brother and sister-in-law, though they live separately, did all my parents' grocery shopping, sanitized all the items, delivered them to my parents' house and put everything in its place, but they could not bring their kids to see the grandparents.

The other part of this conundrum is that couples are learning another aspect of the word "teamwork". In our society, it is generally the women who are "supposed" to do all the household chores, but thankfully this is changing in this coronavirus era. Men who previously did not lift a finger to perform a household task are now tying scarves on their faces, picking up the broom and dusting the house. An uncle of ours recently said that it was a good exercise to get down on his hands and knees and mop the floors. Some men, such as my father, are becoming expert chefs and are experimenting new things in the kitchen, while some men like my father-in-law can be spotted tying handkerchiefs on their faces and a hat on their heads, picking up the duster and dusting the furniture. My father-in-law jokingly complains to my father that he is weary of hearing pointed references about my father's cooking skills from my mother-in-law.

From cooking, cleaning the house, doing laundry, doing grocery shopping and sanitizing those items to taking care of the kids and doing office work from home, couples' lives have sort of become like a tag-team challenge, where one person says "I'll do this so you can do that". This succeeds in creating greater harmony and understanding in a relationship, I believe. It would also possibly be a great source of arguments, of course, but let's not get into that.

For those men who are still adhering to those age-old customs of letting their women do all the work while they relax, I would request you to wake up in this day and age and not live in the past. If you have difficulty doing that, think of the household chores as alternatives of your normal routine. For example, cooking can be the alternative for getting a sauna or being out in the sun for a long time; mopping the floors can be the alternative for a little workout at the gym. Mainly, think of it this way – by doing some of these chores, you can have a much happier and more relaxed partner/mother/sister, etc. Also, you can find out the answer to men's lifelong question of "what do you do all day while I am at work?"

As the lockdown has been lifted, the married conundrum will get a new aspect – managing the coming and going of the people who need to go to work, and managing the kids and the people who will be staying at home, and managing the increased risk of becoming infected, especially for those who need to use public transport. I know some people have requested leave (some have requested leave without pay) in order to avoid this so that they do not put their loved ones at risk.

Life as we once knew it has changed and will continue to change. In the midst of all this, it is important to hold on to our dear ones, keep living as normally as much possible, staying safe, and, most importantly, keep trying to find some rays of light in this age of darkness.