Gay rights: A father’s perspective

Two weeks ago, I was invited to "like" a Facebook site called "Gay Rights for Bangladesh". I clicked on the link, and have been following it ever since. It made me think of how change is the one constant in history, even as it relates to our individual family stories.

110 years ago, in a town that used to belong to Hungary, my great grandmother sat down with her mother and broke the revolutionary news to her: "I am not going to stay at home. I am going to work, just like my husband."

"But what will people say?" Her mother said. "Isn't it written in Scripture that women should stay at home? Your father was a minister. If he were alive today, what words of advice would he have for you?"

I imagine the feeling of disappointment that settled in the pit of my great great grandmother's stomach, as she realised that her daughter was adamant. "Very well, go off and teach. I will manage your household."

A generation later, I imagine a different setting, a different conversation, but the same uneasy feeling in the pit of the stomach of my great grandparents as my grandmother told them she was converting from Lutheran to Catholic. "But what about your eternal soul? Your grandfather was a minister. If he were alive today, what words of advice would he have for you? If he had been a Catholic minister, none of us would be here."

I have been privy to the conflicts that arose because my parents were the first in the history of my family to marry outside their native culture. My mother, a Hungarian immigrant, married a man who was the son of Italian immigrants. I know both grandparents worried about the continuity of their heritage. The grandchildren would not be natively fluent in either Hungarian or Italian, and the generations of identity built on common traditions would be lost forever. You could tell that both sets of grandparents were disappointed that we had not been raised in their culture.

In each generation, my own personal family history has reflected a constant breaking away from what was perceived to be the traditions of the generation before. In each case, the child may have disappointed the expectations of his or her parent. If I look at a common denominator, from those distant ancestors who faced the gallows to become followers of Martin Luther, to that Italian revolutionary who fought with Garibaldi, to the innovators, converts, and breakers of tradition in my family tree, I still enable to trace a common thread – my ancestors taught their children to live bravely, though courage mean that they have the fortitude to disappoint their own parents. That life is a gift and that every flaw challenge and obstacle was placed there by God to make them stronger.

My sister must have broadsided my parents when she let them know that she never had any intention of marrying a man. In defying their expectations, she was merely reflecting that family courage that her grandmother, great-grandmother and ancestors had continually expressed. She was following our ancestral tradition.

As I read the posts, some anguished, on "Gay Rights for Bangladesh", I noted the mournful tone of some group members whose lifestyles had been rejected by their siblings, or mothers and fathers. I emphasised with the parents of those who had posted on that site. How many of these parents, as the children summoned the courage to express their sexual preferences, felt that same sinking feeling in the pit of their stomachs that my own ancestors felt?

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be openly gay in any country on earth. As a parent, I am keenly aware of the trepidation those with homosexual children must feel in regards to personal safety, fear of AIDS, chastisement, and even the wrath of the Almighty, not to mention the fear that they may not ever have grandchildren. Children would do well to remember that a parent would suffer a thousand times over and gladly take the lash on their own back to spare the child slightest pain. I would caution gay and lesbian children to understand that it isn't always shame or disappointment that compels a parent to attempt to "correct" a behaviour. Sometimes it is simply fear for a child's wellbeing.

I'm not talking about those extreme cases where parents disown their children, subject them to brainwashing in electroshock therapy or force them to marry. I'm talking about those parents who shed tears, express anger, or bewilderment.

You who are homosexual in Bangladesh, according to what I've read, face chastisement and legal repudiation (even if Penal Code 377 is not enforced). I've noticed that very little of the encouraging news in the advancement of gay rights is coming out of Bangladesh. To be "out" you must be very brave and pioneering individuals. A recent video posted on YouTube speculates that societal acceptance of the gay lifestyle in Bangladesh may still be 30 years down the road. I know that you all must take pride in blazing the trail that will make it so much easier for the next generation. But as you look forward, please be patient with the generations that preceded you. You likewise stand on their courageous shoulders and have benefited from their acts of defiance as well.

My hope is that a healthy dialogue will be opened allowing for both sides to express their opinions. While anyone has a right to speak out against homosexuality, no one should have the right to deprive an individual of life, liberty or property based solely on a matter sexual orientation.

The lines of dialogue need to open. One way that this will happen is for heterosexuals who support gay rights to do so vociferously enough that those who live in the shadow of fear because of their sexual orientation feel safe enough to speak up. Likewise, those who oppose gay-rights need not be marginalised or belittled for the conservative stance. Both sides need to feel respected in a civil discussion of the issue.

Parents, if your child tells you he or she is a homosexual, please know that such a declaration may be the ultimate act of courage. Homosexuality may be a question of nature, not nurture, but the courage is something that parents must teach. That means, if your kid has the guts to say "I'm gay", you should be proud that you didn't raise a coward.

In my own family, one of my daughters has already expressed a preference for women. Because of my own family history, and the path my sister blazed one generation ago, I felt no disappointment. In fact, because I live in a society where so many babies are being born out of wedlock, the fact that one of my daughters is not interested in men is actually a great comfort to me. My daughter is a staunch defender of the marginalised kids at her school, and I am proud of her courage. Her confidence to declare herself to be so uniquely who she is shows me that through her God is blessing to our family.

Of course, I do have my expectations and perhaps my children are still too young to give me a clue as how these expectations might someday be disappointed by an unexpected break in family tradition. I keep thinking that perhaps if they fail to disappoint me, if they do not defy the conventions of the previous generations, only then will they disappoint me by breaking our longest standing family tradition.

But hey, I can live with that.

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Frank Domenico Cipriani writes a weekly column in the Riverside Signal called "You Think What You Think And I'll Think What I Know." He is also the founder and CEO of The Gatherer Institute — a not-for-profit public charity dedicated to promoting respect for the environment and empowering individuals to become self-taught and self-sufficient. His most recent book, "Learning Little Hawk's Way of Storytelling", teaches the native art of oral tradition storytelling.