Top eight (stupid) awards 2011

Every year many organisations and media outlets give awards for great achievements. So we have given ours too. Here they are and not at all in the order of importance. Please feel free to add. This award is based on performance of year 2011 only.

1. Best sportsman of the year …

The award goes to Montri Abul Hossain for his field game achievements in Beijing and beyond which earned him a cabinet post and many other known benefits. He was also in contention for singing the best anthem, "Jamuna bridge amar maa, Padma bridge amar baap" but his transfer has denied him that coveted prize. No matter, as long as water flows, you will be in business Abul Hossain, and congratulations from all of us. .

2. Best attempt to duplicate a failure …

This award goes to the Government of Bangladesh for splitting Dhaka into two municipalities. As the DCC is a centre of inefficiency and sustainable corruption, the government wanted to further improve the performance by having another municipality so that greater inefficiency, corruption and lack of services could be delivered to the people. Brilliant double thinking!

3. Best organised collection of idiots in a single location …

And the prize goes jointly to the SEC (Security Exchanges Commission) and the Dhaka Stock Exchange (DSE) for attracting large crowds at the DSE playgrounds all hoping to strike it rich and then losing most of their money. This is all the more prize worthy because people have already had seen a collapse during the Kibria era of the last AL regime and the Muhith era repeated that and still got people to crowd the DSE. While the fools who played the market were caught off guard as they always do, it was the first time everyone concerned from the official side also claimed to be caught off guard. In this competition of confusion, the authorities won as they not only didn't know what the hell was going on but still managed to convince many people that they knew what was going on who then went on to lose their money while the authorities claimed total innocence. Wah, bhai wah.

4. Award for long lasting commitment to a cause …

This one goes to Bangladesh cricket team and the cricket authorities for their unwavering commitment to remain at the bottom of the world cricket list. Although a lot of money has been spent, coaches imported and re-exported, sponsors found by the dozens and crowds collected for cheering by the millions, the team has stuck to the bottom come what may. It's all the more heartening because Team Bangladesh has promised to be there till the very end. The team members have reportedly said that "Our beloved people of Bangladesh always expect us to lose and we want to satisfy them. We shall not waver from our commitment and shall not only lose to the old teams but the new ones too. Please give us your doa. Joy Bangla, Bangladesh Zindabad." Bravo, boys, bravo!

5. International organ safety advocacy award for the Bangladeshi male sex organ

This prize goes to BBC for reporting on the rapidly growing threat to the Bangladeshi male organ — the penis — as it faces all kinds of threats, physical, social and philosophical. Two events which gained a lot of attention in the international media (see links below) show how major the threat is. As reported by the BBC, a lady chopped off the male organ of a man who tried to rape her. Not fair as he was doing his duty as a male. Of course the affected person claimed that it was she who was having an affair with him and took her revenge.   http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-13594762

In another case, a man who tried to molest a child was punished by the local salish by hanging a brick from his, yep, you got it right.

http://www.deccanchronicle.com/channels/world/asia/bangladeshi-has-brick-tied-penis-punishment-061

Both situations have been declared as threats to the male manhood.  Meanwhile, Bangladeshi male-hood symbolised by this organ is also socially and philosophically under threat as they find that women are not ready to take their shit all the time and as they become more independent, many are even leaving them. So in a desperate attempt to keep the honour of the male, many men are resorting to violence hoping this will convince the world that they are not wimps but birpurush particularly when they attack women.

6. Award for drawing international attention to the ignorant and misinformed …

This one goes to the Indian PM Manmohan Singh for declaring that that at least 25 percent of Bangladeshis are very anti-Indian and owe allegiance to the Jamaat-e-Islami which is controlled by Pakistan's ISI. This pleased many particularly the Indians since they had no idea what Bangladesh is. So the issue of misinformation became an international act of celebration. Although the Indian PMO website took this comment down quickly, the effect has continued and making comments about various issues without any idea has gained much popularity.

This can directly be noted in the words of Dr. Gowher Rizvi, Bangladesh PM's adviser on many issues including water sharing with India. He proclaimed that India was about to sign a Teesta sharing treaty before PM Manmohan arrived in Bangladesh, a deal which was later sunk by Mamata Banerjee also known as Madame Khandari. She refused to agree with the treaty which true to style even PM Manmahona didn't know. This was followed by Rizvi saying that Tipaimukh dam is a blessing of sorts for Bangladesh when most experts say it's not in a wider reflection of the Manmohan syndrome. It goes on.

Meanwhile, the comment by Dr. Singh that we are distributing the Nobel Prize for economics this year is another mishearing. Thank you very much.

7. Award for the most innovative approach to increase the income of official agencies …

This award is given to the DB official and the Bangladesh Police who told internet activist Asif to get married and offered to look for a girl for him. This idea which knows that biye will end all bad political thought and side by side provide the police with a steady side income is a brilliant combo idea. As a result at police remand nowadays, enraged political activists scream at the police not for arresting them but because the girl is not forsha enough and accuse the police of torture for trying to force the ugly niece of the interrogator on him for marriage. The fact that there is not a single politician who is a bachelor shows that the police have got a great gig going. Congrats to the police and their success in the new profession of ghatkali that will finish off dissidence and also produce more smiling and better off policemen.

8. Best job done by an agency to create interest in human rights issues …

This last one goes to the RAB for failing to kill Limon when needed. While many people have criticised RAB for violation of human rights with impunity and immunity from prosecution, the said agency turned the Limon affair into an educational campaign by shooting but not killing him. As the country became engaged on this issue, media and the blogsphere became alive on the topic, the judges gave all kinds of rulings, investigations were ordered by the dozen, various medical reports were made and Bangladesh achieved a state of high national interest. While everything was at its peak, nothing happened and RAB brilliantly did the second phase of the education campaign which was to prove that no matter what happens, RAB will go on as usual and like before. This system of education will now be introduced in the schools with the term 'drop out' replaced by 'drop dead' which ensures that everyone will complete their task or face their death, thereby improving the national quality of education. Cheers boys and thank you.

So there you go — our top eight awards. Feel free to add, delete and even send to us your own nominations.

Happy 2012 to all!

————————————
Afsan Chowdhury is a Consulting Editor of bdnews24.com.