A dead father, a blinded mother and a traumatised child: Aren’t we all collectively to be blamed?

A mother is blinded, a father lies dead in jail and a child is traumatised for life. The tragedies that have visited the family of Rumana Monzur, Hassan Syed and Anusheh are unbearably painful. Yet the greatest pain is that so much of this could have been avoided. Since the incident took place, nothing new has been done to reduce gender violence, protection of children or identification and treatment of the mentally distressed male (and also female). Apart from everything else, it is the tragedy of a society that refuses to heal itself and rectify its destructive value structures. And we are part of that.

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Nobody would want to be Hassan Syed, a young man with no criminal record who turned from a docile person into a monster over time. He was no mastaan but became a violent wife beater capable of inflicting the worst possible damage to his wife in front of his 5-year-old daughter. It changed the lives for the worse for everyone in the family.

Fearfully, this was the worst but not the first attack by him on his wife. Hassan had a long history of wife abuse and it was tolerated by Rumana for the sake of the child and the eternal excuse — shongshar. Now in Vancouver and undergoing treatment and rehabilitation, Rumana who shall never see again, has these words for other women in the same situation: "Plan ahead, and plan to get out of that relationship. If I had been able to get out of that relationship, I would not be here like this today." (http://www.windsorstar.com/news/student+Rumana+Monzur+starts+over+blind+mother/5534707/story.html)

But she didn't plan and she paid a price. And while others don't suffer so horrifically, suffering is common. Here is what the UN and other reports say: "A study released by the United Nations Population Fund in 2000 indicated half of women in Bangladesh experience domestic violence at least once in their lives. A report posted to Canada's Immigration and Refugee Board website cites 2003 data that suggested 65 per cent of Bangladeshi men believed "it is justifiable to beat up their wives," while 38 per cent didn't know what constitutes physical violence."

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We can't run away from this fact that Bangladeshi men feel they have a right to violence. Many say that for the majority of Bangladeshis who are Muslims, there is a psychological sanction. The Quran doesn't forbid violence against women but only the degree of it. If a man severely beats up a woman, he is guilty of overstepping his limits but not guilty of violating a cardinal taboo that no person, wife, man or child can be beaten by another. In the same religious tradition, a man is given the right to beat his wife within limits and he is encouraged to physically punish his children if they don't follow religious practices from 12 years onwards.

No matter what the analysis and context, it is an endorsement of domestic violence. In the cultural construction of ours, we never learn it is wrong to lay hands on another and this applies to all South Asian cultures. Everyone learns that women must tolerate violence and must protect the 'shongshar', the marriage contract till the last breath cutting across all faith, cultures and traditions of ours.

They are terribly wrong things to protect when so many horrible things can happen to millions. That is what we understand as crime of society as against crimes by individuals. Hassan Syed is guilty of what he did but so is the putrid society that let him abuse his wife, that made them stay together till it was too late.

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But look at the pressure that must have had been at work on Hassan Syed. Our society never forgives a man who doesn't look like the prescribed MAN that it approves and accepts. The MAN is the one who has a fancy job, car, house, etc. and all the trappings, no matter how. Over the years as Rumana's career took off albeit all the obstacles, while Hassan was drowning in failures which must have eaten away his self-esteem slowly creating the violent hours and ultimately the final confrontation.

Here is what a lady from Dhaka writes to me after his death:

"Everyone is very happy pointing fingers towards this man … as if the world has gotten rid of all the evil …divine justice has taken care of the last evil on earth …rather he was also a victim…victim of this society where it's mandatory to be more successful than your female partner otherwise you're the biggest failure, the loser of them all…even the females also think that way. How many women would be happy and help the guy feel happy and proud of his spouse…when she has a more successful in career than the guy…"

What the lady says is about social roles that are forced upon people where the only man is the macho man who must behave as an alpha male, dominating, conventionally successful, the same male who wouldn't mind being a bit forceful till that too becomes conventional violence.

She goes on; "and among all these hullabaloo the main issue domestic violence and our responsibility to raise a campaign against domestic violence was completely sidetracked…as if with Syed's death domestic violence from this country has been completely eradicated…"

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It is also a question of mental health and its treatment, something we have learnt about from working with the domestic violence scene of Bangladeshis living in Toronto. Bengalis/Bangladeshis are an insecure and under-confident people we find. They can barely handle the pressure of emigration and succumb to mental distress all too quickly. Subjectively, there is something mentally unwell in their head like everyone else but the objective conditions are beyond them to handle. Together they trigger the crisis and many lapses into serious mental distress and domestic violence. However, the same people fight with all their might in refusing treatment and would much rather be sick than be treated for their mental problems.

I asked a lady why she didn't seek treatment for herself, at least see a doctor. Her answer was clear. "How will I marry off my daughter if they know her mother is mad?"

One can understand the societal pressures in just these few words. Had the environment been right, Hassan Syed would have found the space to manage his anxieties and rage through counselling and mediation and prevented the tragedy from happening, to his family and himself.  De-stigmatising mental health in our society will heal millions of lives.

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And what of Anuseh, the little child of Hassan and Rumana? The letter writer says this about her: "…you know who I feel really sad about? Rumana and Syed's daughter…if she continues to live in Bangladesh…she will either become a drug addict, a mental patient or a serial killer!"

Anger, rage, frustration, all these are written in the words and they echo the feelings of many of us. It is a call to start challenging, start changing. Otherwise all the words about this terribly unfortunate family will just be that, fancy words until another incident takes place and more words pour out.

This autumn, Anuseh, dressed up as a fairy went out on the streets along with other kids on Halloween to go door to door and play 'trick or treat'. She looked beautiful that evening. But will the society take any steps to make her coming years equally beautiful, and more importantly – safe and secure?

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Afsan Chowdhury is a Consulting Editor of bdnews24.com.