How to be successful in preserving your name … without really trying

Published : 11 March 2010, 11:23 AM
Updated : 11 March 2010, 11:23 AM

Place : London

Time : July 2010

Characters : Adil, a Bangladeshi businessman visiting London

Jones, UK Immigration Officer

Tom, taxi driver

Private Secretary to HM the Queen

Queen Elizabeth

Scene 1

Airport Immigration Counter

Businessman Adil (looking worried and handing over passport): Please, can you tell me if I have come to the right airport? Everywhere I see the sign St. George Airport.  I see the sign Welcome to St George Airport.  I see advertisements, Take a fast train from St George Airport to city centre, Get 40% discount on duty free goods at St George Airport. Isn't it London's Heathrow Airport?

Immigration Officer Jones (turning over passport pages): Sir, you have landed at the right airport.  This is Heathrow Airport.  This is Britain's biggest airport and also world's busiest international airport.  Every year nearly 70 million passengers pass through this airport.  Nearly 1.3 million tons of cargo is handled by this airport.  This airport began operating from a camp in 1946 on the west side of London. Now this airport has four terminal buildings.  A new Terminal 5 will be opened next year. You have come to Terminal 3 which is allocated to long haul flights.

Adil: Then why don't I see the name Heathrow Airport anywhere? In the past, whenever I arrived here, I saw so many Welcome to Heathrow signs.  Now I see Welcome to St George Airport sign everywhere.  What has happened?

Jones:  Last month the Tory Party won the General Election with a huge majority.  Tory party leader Mr David Cameron has become the new prime minister.  On his order, Heathrow Airport's name has been changed. Its new name is St George Airport.

Adil: St George? But who is St George?

Jones: St George is the patron saint of England.  His emblem is a red cross on a white background.  This is England's flag and also is a part of the British Flag. Look carefully at the British flag which is known as Union Jack.  You will see a red cross there. It is said that in the twelfth century England's king Richard the Lionheart, who became famous for Crusades, fought in the name of St George. Later on he established the name of St George in England. When English people are in deep crisis they pray to St George and seek his help. It is also said that, riding a horse and holding a shield on which red cross was painted, St George fought against a violent dragon and killed it.  In reality, St George was a Roman soldier. When Romans used to torture Christians, St George protested.  As a result, St George had to die. The real St George never fought against any dragon. And, most probably he never came to England. Yet, in England, he is regarded as the holiest person. That is why Tory party has changed the name Heathrow to St George Airport.

Adil (with a surprised look): Why suddenly this change ?

Jones: Don't know, Sir. England is now going through a deep financial crisis. I think, the new prime minister David Cameron is probably hoping that by changing the name, St George will help him to pull the country out of trouble. (Lowering his voice) Between you and me Sir, this changing of the airport's name has not been liked by any of the staff here.  For 64 years, we have known this as Heathrow Airport.  Now, Cameron has changed it immediately after becoming prime minister.  Nobody knew that this change was coming.  Tory party didn't say this in their election manifesto. Very sad Sir, very sad.  I don't know which way this government is going.  This airport requires attention to more important matters than changing its name.  We know, Dubai, Singapore, Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur airports have recently improved their facilities.  We should have followed them.  Passengers would have benefited. (Stamping the passport) Here you are Sir.  Enjoy your trip to London.

Adil (collecting passport): Thank you, officer.

Scene 2

On way from airport to city centre

Adil: This looks like Wembley Stadium.  1966 World Cup Football Final match was held here.

Taxi driver Tom:  That's right.  Most of the important sporting events are held here.  But the name of the stadium has changed.  Its new name is Sir Winston Churchill Stadium.  In short, Churchill Stadium.

Adil: Since when?

Tom: After the Tory party won the election.  New prime minister David Cameron ordered to change the name.

Adil: Why did he give this order?

Tom:  Probably you know that during the World War II Churchill was prime minister of Britain.  He inspired the British to win against Hitler's Germany. Churchill was a Tory leader. I reckon, that is why Tory party has named Wembley Stadium as Churchill Stadium.

Adil: Your information has a small gap. In September 1939, when Germany invaded Poland, Britain declared war. At that time, Neville Chamberlain was the prime minister of Britain.  On 10 May 1940 when Germany invaded Holland and adjoining low lands, Chamberlain resigned.  Then, under the leadership of Winston Churchill and with the participation of all three major parties, Tory, Labour, Liberal, an all-party coalition government was formed.  This was popularly known as National Government.  In other words, during the crisis of the country, Churchill was not a party leader – he became the prime minister of an all-party government.  Yet, I see that, 65 years after the World War II Churchill has been demoted.  Form a national leader, he has been demoted to a party leader.

Tom:  After winning the election, Tory party this time has changed many names.  It seems it is now their main task.  Yet, there was not the slightest mention about this task of changing names in their election manifesto.

Adil: Which other names have been changed?

Tom: Many. London's top hospital Wellington-Humana has become Churchill Hospital.  Madame Taussad's Planetarium has become Churchill Novo-Theatre. Hyde Park has become Churchill Park. Even, Queen Elizabeth Conference Centre has become Churchill International Conference Centre.  Here we are Sir, we have reached Churchill Hotel.

Adil (getting off the taxi): Churchill Hotel! It is its original name.  The owners had a foresight.

Tom (picking luggage): How will you pay me? Which currency, Sir ?

Adil: I shall pay you in pound notes.  I changed currency at the airport.  But why this question?

Tome: Look at the  pound notes.  In the past, pound notes had Queen's picture.  Now all notes have been changed and reprinted.  They have only Churchill's picture.  Tory party has done this immediately after assuming power.

Adil (pulling out some notes from wallet): I see you are right. Very surprising.

Scene 3

Adil's suite in Churchill Hotel.

Telephone ringing.

Adil: Hello, who is speaking ?

Caller: I am Private Secretary to Her Majesty, the Queen.

Adil (bewildered): You wish to speak to me?

PS: Her Majesty wishes to talk to you.  It is urgent.  She has requested you to come with me.  I am waiting at the reception. Would you kindly come, Sir? Please.

Adil (perplexed): Her Majesty wishes to talk to me!  How lucky I am.  I am coming.  But why does she want to talk to me? How did she know I have checked into this hotel?

PS:  Her Majesty's private security network has given us this information. We know that since arriving in London, you have been asking about changing names. We also know that you know a lot about Winston Churchill and British history.  Her Majesty would like to talk to you on these subjects.

Scene 4

Buckingham Palace.

A television is on.  The sound is muted.

Queen Elizabeth and Adil sitting opposite to each other.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth: I am sorry, I had to request you to come here without any prior notice. I am grateful, because you have come.

Adil : At your service, Your Majesty.

Queen: I have read in the newspapers that a newly elected government in Bangladesh began to change names of places and institutions in the country. You know that, now the newly elected government of United Kingdom is following that example and is on course of changing names of many places and institutions, particularly which have my name.  Can you please advise me how can I preserve my name in UK?

Adil: I could not imagine you would give me such an important task.  Your Majesty, I think in this case possibly, you have only two options open. The first is to declare Winston Churchill as Defender of the Nation and declare both his days of birth and death as public holidays.

Queen:  But, how could that be done? I am England's Defender of the Faith.  That is my official title.  In 1521, Pope Leo X gave this title to King Henry VIII.  Since then all English monarchs have reigned with this title.  Now, if I declare Churchill as the Defender of the Nation, my people may get very confused.  Moreover, Churchill is not alive. He died 45 years ago. Tory party may like to drag and sell his name, but I don't.  It is against my taste.

Adil:  Then you may go for the second option.

Queen: What is that?

Adil: You may engage Barrister Rafiq-ul Haque of Bangladesh as your lawyer.  Bring him to London. Request him to file legal cases against the government.

Queen:  My country has so many eminent lawyers, QCs, Barristers.  Why do I have to engage him?

Adil:  Because he has a good track record of winning legal cases against the government.  He may be successful in England too.

Television showed Breaking News scroll.  The queen picked up remote control and began to watch.

Queen:  Excuse me.  Let me hear the news.  I just saw there is a breaking news on me.  The government has decided to delete my picture from all postage stamps and put Churchill's picture there. The government has changed the name of Buckingham Palace, which is my personal property.  The new name is …

Adil: Surely, Churchill Palace?

Queen (watching TV news with grim face): Yes, you are right. I think, soon the government will change the name of England also – it may be Churchilland.

The news ends.  The Queen switches off the TV.

Queen: Okay, I shall go for the second option.  But, I cannot directly contact Barrister Haque bypassing the British High Commissioner in Dhaka. Can you take this responsibility, please?

Adil: Certainly, Your Majesty. In 1963 Ian Fleming wrote the eleventh novel of his famous James Bond series, On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  After 47 years, I have been entrusted by you to perform a noble duty, which may be called, On Her Majesty's Secret Legal Service.  I feel honoured and proud.  Thank you, Your Majesty.