How the BNP-AL soccer match nearly saved Bangladesh

Sheikh Hasina has said that she knows how to control those who want to agitate for elections under a caretaker government. In response to that the BNP leader Barrister Moudud Ahmed has said that they also know how to get their demands met. Hmmm … not exactly the language of politicians ready for negotiations but wrestlers getting ready for a tussle in the mud. In view of the increasing demand that brainless Opinion writers should provide solutions to national problems that they write on, here we are suggesting our prescription. Yes, it's a soccer match to settle the contest between the two parties.
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the historic soccer match between the AL and the BNP to decide who has the right to rule Bangladesh for another five years. In view of the political problems between the two parties and the resultant jalao-porao, the parties felt that this was a better way to decide the matter than endless street fights. The winner will not only take the trophy but will also get a chance to beat up the opponents under official supervision. The deal was brokered by the al-Qaeda whose members were embarrassed by the international attention Bangladesh is getting leaving them out in the cold. "The infidel woman Hillary Clinton talks only of Bangladeshis and their stupid elections, not our renewed attempt to bomb the NYC. If this goes on, we shall go bankrupt and never get enough money to buy video movies like our leader used to, to learn about the cultural practices of the kafirs. We must do as our leader did. Inshallah."
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Both the teams are in the field warming up amidst thunderous applause from an enthusiastic crowd. Bombs and crackers go off and several people with severed limbs are seen being carried away. It seems they are using some of the old homemade bombs manufactured during earlier confrontations. It's all right, this is politics. Ektu khun kahrabi to hobei.

Now as a symbolic gesture to sports and politics both the team members are torching a bus with several people tied up inside. The captains and others are clapping and cheering and everyone is happy to see this great tradition carried on inside the stadium. Some medical workers try to enter the field to carry away the injured but they are pelted by stones by the players and full throated slogans praising democracy and freedom is heard from the crowd. The game is about to begin.
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The AL has fielded several players who seem to look like Indians and there were complaints that these are disguised RAW agents. But the team manager said they all had citizenship documents and the AL also stressed that recent opinion poll shows 92% of the people think all these players are Bangladeshi — so there, the matter is settled. Meanwhile, the BNP has denied that their team is partly owned by the ISI and also said that the tall fair complexioned people who can't speak Bengali in their team are actually from Noakhali. "You know they can't speak Bengali." So there!
In both the teams, there are several known stars including a few past ministers. Two players to watch out for are Enamul Haq Moni, who is famous all over the world for practicing his effective kicking even inside the parliament. He is playing as an attacking midfielder. Meanwhile the AL party's winger is Abul Hossain whose skill as a speedy runner is legendary. He has been chosen to play here today instead of playing in a Chinese team which is on a practice run at the Great Wall of China.
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The stadium is circled by members of the armed force team but they are also wearing players' uniforms. This seems puzzling so we asked our resident commentator what it means. "There is no mystery here. The law enforcement people are ready to play the game as well. They will enter the field if there are too many fouls."

"But can three teams play one match?"

"When the khaki boys enter the match, the two existing teams join hands and become sort of one team so no problem there."

"Thanks. Plus they all look similar in their uniforms and play the same game."

"Yes. And they are also khalato bhai of each other. So it's a family matter not a political one."

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The players are now being introduced to the chief guest who is shaking hands of the AL leaders but showing his thumbs to the BNP players. The BNP players are also making faces at the chief guest and calling him names like "Opodartho", etc. The atmosphere is getting heated up and players from both sides are close to pushing and shoving. Several players of the BNP team are long bearded with caps on their heads. These are probably members of the Jamaat who don't have a team of their own but play hiding in the BNP ranks. They are on parole and bail and a last minute order granted them a chance to play.

The chief guest congratulates them mistakenly and then refuses to shake their hands whereupon there is a push to touch the chief guest. Things are getting a little restive here.

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The shoving has increased and the crowd is now screaming. Moudud of BNP gets kneed in the groin and collapses on the ground. He is swiftly revived but he gets up and joins the AL side much to everyone's confusion. We must ask our expert what this means.

"It doesn't mean much. He has changed sides so many times he is not sure for which team he is playing that is why he is acting this way. He will get better and rejoin his present team but with him you never know."

The situation is not getting better here. A section of the crowd has broken through the barbed wire fence and is trying to enter the field. Syed Asharful Islam is now calling on them to return to their seats. "You people think this is your baper bari! Your habits have become bad. You are always crossing over to India this way angering our friendly neighbour."

More shouts are heard and the crowd is now really noisy. Sheikh Hasina consults her cousins and tells the crowd to enter the field. Khaleda Zia consults Tareque Zia via phone and does the same. Thousands join the fight as there is a festive mood all around and talk show hosts declare that politics is safe once more in Bangladesh.

Joy Bangla! Bangladesh Zindabad!

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Afsan Chowdhury is the Executive Editor of bdnews24.com.