Komor shokto hobey — a culture of co-dependence

A couple of months ago, I was visiting New York City. I used to live there at one time and now I simply get in and get out as fast as I can. This time an old friend of mine who is a high-up in the UN (United for Nothing) asked me to come over for dinner. He invited another mutual old friend, a fading famous singer who shall remain nameless. During the dinner we were talking about growing up, children, politics and generally simply catching up. As we were talking, the singer said his 26-year-old son has a degree in Pharmacy from a university in NY. My friend is justifiably very proud of his son. Then he said something that knocked me for a loop. His son was living with the parents and has no immediate plans to live independently. I asked my friend why? He replied that this is a good way to get the boy's "Komor Shokto" or strengthen his backbone. Well, that started my rumination, does extended dependence strengthen our backbone or simply do the opposite.

So, now I am curious about this whole business of "Shokto Komor". Most of the time I see the practice of hovering and prolonged dependency result in bad outcomes. I keep seeing anecdotal evidence of prolonged dependency by the children on their parents and vice versa. Yes, it is a two-way traffic. It is codependence between the parent and the child and it starts early. It is not confined to Bengali families only but is far more evident and corrosive in our families.

The disease starts early, but how early? It seems the gnawing starts from the very formative years of a child. There is a term called "Helicopter Parents", which is a pejorative expression for parents who hover above their children and micro manage every aspects of their lives. Is this love or is this something else? At some point, I am sure the hovering starts with love but as time progresses it turns into its own beast. There are signs of risk aversion, total self-centered attitude on the parts of the parents and finally the stunting of decision making capability of the child.

Risk management is a key skill for every human being. We all have "fight or flight" instincts that come into play when we encounter a risky situation. Some of the risk management skills are hard wired but most of it is learnt over time by experience and cognition. The hovering parent can simply transfer their paranoia and inability to cope with the events in the outside world into single-minded supervision of the child. A hovering parent can squash the risk management skills of a child by doing many things including, curtailing outdoor activities, following them to school and back, curtailing their ability to read books outside the prescribed ones and so on. All of that result in poor risk assessment skills for the child and immense sense of protection that is essentially non-existent outside the house.

Enough with the theory already, here are some situations that does not make the business of "Komor Shokto" look very nice. So, I get a call from one of my nieces the other day. She was crying and hugely upset. Now a little background. She is 24, graduate from a good university and she is gainfully employed in NYC. As it happens in Sylheti families, her parents are looking to marry her off to an eligible bachelor, preferably Sylheti. The Sylheti marriage network is humming with the mysterious selection process that only a Sylheti network can muster. They look for many things including what the grandparents did, do they have highly placed relatives, does the boy have a degree if so from where, what was the grade, do the parents have a house that they own in Sylhet or Dhaka, and so on and so on. The metrics for the selection process is totally exhaustive and endless. Anyway, the underground network found an eligible candidate and because it is modern times my niece was asked to talk to the guy. That phone call was the cause of deep distress for the poor girl.

It came out that this very eligible looking candidate lives with his parents in the same house somewhere in the big bad city of New York. My niece was offended that the frothy marriage network and her parents forgot to vet the eligible candidate about his independence and backbone. She told me she has no intention of marrying someone who lives with their parents, ever. So much for "Shokto Komor"! Of course this caused a lot of consternation in my extended family. I spent many hours consoling my sister(s) and trying to convince her that this was the right decision. Since then I have heard of number of situations where the prospective brides said "Nyet" to Mama's boys! I think this a great thing. Mazeltov!

In another case, a 26-year-old law graduate lives with his parents and have not seriously sought employment in his field of expertise. A little chat with this great guy shows someone who wants be to a social worker or something along that line. But, here he is swimming in the shark infested water of lawyers and he is utterly not willing to swim in that water. But, the parents have dreams and desires so he treads that water to keep them happy being unhappy through life.OyVay!

Is hovering love? My guess is that part of it is love, part of it is paranoia transfer, and part of it is actually utter selfishness. Now, why would that be? There has been number of studies in Europe that seem to suggest the parents who tend to smother their kids and over manage them do it because they want the company, they want the devotion, and they want assurance, they want the child to meet some pre-defined expectation that is a reflection of their desire and dreams. In the process the kid is stifled and the result in most cases is a person with low self-esteem who is unable to innovate and take risks. This is why in Bangladesh we still think getting a government job, or a BCS graduate is worth something. OK, they are not totally worthless but these bureaucratic functions add no net positive to the economy and the society. This is why we have doctors or engineers who have no aptitude of being either but there they are doing things that they do not love.

There are many side effects of hovering. One profound one is low self-esteem that seems to surround the children who have been over managed. This low self-esteem becomes a lifelong debilitating condition. As a routine part of over management, children are coddled and never go out to work while growing up. For better or for worse work defines us. It gives the ability to develop real skills and teaches us that we shall survive even if the house that we live in burns down to the ground. It gives one the ability to trust in oneself. By heaping misplaced love the hovering parents basically make their children emotional basket cases who are unable to deal with life's adversity that surely comes.

There are signs that old ways are breaking down, at least in the US. I have a 16-year-old nephew who goes out and washes cars after school at a car wash. Another one worked in building sites doing construction work in the harsh Colorado winter. They are better human beings for the experience and they are independent and self-aware.

Let us hope we all make the transition. Let us hope this ability work early and tough jobs become an epidemic for our youth.

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Kayes Ahmed lives in Boulder, Colorado, USA with his three dogs. He runs a small yet global apparel and design business based in Boulder.