Splitting Dhaka: A theoretical approach that makes sense only to dumb, fools and idiots

So we have achieved Dhaka bhongo. Because it was so unexpected and unwanted and since people thought that there was no reason to do such a thing they are expressing their puzzlement. Many think the authorities should have been spending more time solving other pressing city problems instead of doubling it by creating another municipality. To lessen this confusion, we discussed the issue with several persons of repute and this is what the findings are:

Historical theory: Dhaka bhongo or roney bhongo
The partition of Bengal in 1905 led to the rise of Bengali Muslim politics which ultimately gave birth to Bengal Muslim League which produced the politics that ultimately led to the birth of the Awami League and later to Bangladesh. The government wants to try out a historical experiment by Dhaka bhongo similar to Bonga bhongo as a tribute to that historic process before the 40th anniversary of Bangladesh is celebrated.

One Dhaka will be called Bijoynagar and the other will be called Mujibnagar. This is in line with the government policy to change titles including the Zia airport and other places. Sheikh Hasina is hoping that her experiment will make her so popular that Khaleda Zia will give Roney bhongo.

And when the BNP comes to power the names will naturally be changed to Zianagar and Shadhinata nagar.

The governance theory or the Abul model
One of the main reasons cited by the authorities in favour of splitting Dhaka is that it will improve services. It stands to reason that if more people spend more time doing nothing for the same number of people, services are expected to improve. It is not by accident that Dhaka is the second worst city in the world after Harare.

So although it seems a little complicated how a failure can become a success simply by duplicating it elsewhere, there is a plan that by hiring only political elements loyal to the party, better services can be guaranteed to the party. So actually, all the staff will be replaced by cadres and they will 'take care' of complaints. Then there will be great competition between the cadres of the two municipalities, more than the famous sprint competition the communication minister Abul Hossain won. So the races will be under  categories like 'longest period without water', 'largest pile of uncollected garbage', 'hugest korbanir haat run entirely by mastaans',  'largest number of  fake certificates issued in a calendar year', etc.

Economic or two stock exchanges theory
This is considered one of the main reasons for having another municipality which is gaining more economic benefits. Apparently, the finance ministry has said that it sees no way out of the economic crisis because nobody knows anything about the economy. So the plan is to duplicate all that exists in present Dhaka since it doesn't make any economic sense in the other Dhaka also. That means establishing another stock exchange.

There is a feeling supported by empirical evidence that most Bangladeshis who play the share market are mentally challenged.  They are under the impression that it has nothing to do with economics but doa of the murrubbis. Taking advantage of this brilliant analysis made by the people, the government thinks that another stock exchange will draw in more people, who will invest more money and that is always good for some people who know how to be more rich. And more rich means more political donations and more people interested in the stock market rather than politics means more success for the government.

Dual administration or Swiss Bank theory
People want to try out the Swiss model where the state is divided into many municipalities called "cantons". The cantons are entirely independent and any Swiss even to cross from one canton to another has to obtain permission. The result is the largest cluster of law abiding people and largest number of banks hoarding the world's most ill-gotten gains and black money. The government wants to become a new Switzerland so the plan is to plant more 'cantons'  headed by party leaders and open more banks which will be permitted to operate Swiss number accounts.

This will not only make Dhaka a tourist attraction – "Come to Dhaka the Switzerland of the East (where there is more black money, more black market and more black people than Switzerland)" but make black money safer in black banks when not invested in the stock market which goes belly up rather frequently.

World Bank funded project or repeat ban rickshaw to end traffic jam theory
The World Bank is reportedly funding the move because they want more competition in municipal governance. They think that if the city is split into two municipalities there will be free market governance system and this will lead to better services as a result of competition.  It is a very old approach but then the World Bank has not been known to be very modern either.

The WB is keen to fund this project to recover from the bad reputation they acquired when they suggested in 2000 AD that by taking rickshaws off the road, Dhaka's traffic problems will be solved. No laughter please but the WB interest is also linked to solid waste management as well which is both the specialty of the Bank and the Government and of course the twin municipalities'.

The French government/IMF-naked-in-the-shower theory
It is possible that the French government and/or the IMF have jointly funded this project because of shortage of water in the shower. It seems farfetched but visiting Frenchmen particularly those working for the IMF think it is essential for the health of the global economy to step out of the bathroom shower naked and seeing them  the hotel maid is impressed and propose to have sex. I swear I didn't make it up. Just read what the French national Dominique Claude-Strauss who headed the IMF said in his interview.

Apparently some French/IMF or both officials did go into a local shower but couldn't come out  because there was no showering as there was no water which is common in Dhaka. It was a disaster as the maids came and went but the official got no opportunity to show themselves. So the plan is to set up some decent French owned hotels with special water treatment plants to ensure shower water and organise large number of maids for visiting French/IMF officials. A new city will provide better chances as they have given up on the existing city.

'I have no idea why it was done, nor does anyone else but what can anyone do about it' theory
This is gaining rapid popularity to explain why the city was split. When asked to explain what it means, an official asked what the age of the questioner was. When the man answered that he was thirty years old the official said, "That is the reason why it was done". When the man said, "but that doesn't make any sense", the official responded by saying, "That is what I meant."

So welcome, goodbye, farewell and whatever to whatever has happened and what will happen next. Goodbye old Dhaka, welcome new Dhakas, real or counterfeit.

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Afsan Chowdhury is a Consulting Editor of bdnews24.com.