I do? Or, I don’t? : The 21st century marriage myth

A young man running on the treadmill next to me was violently testing his limits at the highest pace possible for 5 minutes and then ceasing the session to work with his dumbbells for the next 5 and then returning to the machine to resume his workout. Compared to him, I looked like a boring woman, beating her blues in a machine for a humble, slow 40 minutes. Apparently, running at an excessively higher speed for a short time and then taking breaks burn more calories. During our times, we were advised to be steady walkers. The generation today believes in short stints, optimum output and maximising time. 21st century is all about optimising happiness at the most competitive costs. At a time like this, why would our next generation marry, accommodate, sacrifice and adjust?

Let me add to the scare…

In the Quran, Sura Nisa's verses 4:34, the Arabic word Idribuhunna's English equivalence is supposed to be "light force," strike, hit, chastise, or beating (Yousuf Ali, Ibn Kathir), or even a "non-violent blow with siwak (Hanafi scholar, al-Jassas). According to the verse, a man may hit his wife as a mode of punishment. Now, let's try interpreting this to our next generation when they are million miles away from Mecca or home. In spite of Ahmed Ali's translation of the word "Idribu" to be "to forsake, avoid or leave" and not beating, I doubt if most young people would ever believe this version and stand for Islam.

The news of public flogging of 146 women out of the total 186 cases in Maldives is disturbing. In Afghanistan, a plastic surgery hospital reports that in 2010, the cases of self-immolation were all between the ages of 15 and 25. In Victoria Hospital, Bangalore, women doused with kerosene lie disfigured by fire lie in rows, like bandaged mummies moaning in pain and quieted morphine. A study on Pakistan Rural Access and Mobility Study (PRAMS) data indicate that 67 percent of perpetrators are "husbands or partners". And, of course, Bangladesh is reported to be one of the countries with a high rate of domestic violence resulting in death during pregnancy by a United Nations study.

Why marry? Why hurt? Why be burnt, flogged and killed? How necessary is an unhappy marriage?

In Ancient Greece, people married for inheritance and in case if a father died without a male heir, the daughter would be forced to marry a close relative, for the sake of the family heirloom. Romans swapped wives to further their careers like Statesman Marcus Cato giving his wife off to his ally Hortensius just to consolidate alliance and marrying her back again after Hortensius died. The 6th century Europe witnessed multiple cases of political polygamy. The 12th century Europe believed in adultery. On the 14th, one lord of a manor decreed that in case if his unmarried tenants chose to marry partners of their own choice and not his, then they would have to pay a compensatory fee to the lord.

During the 16th century, Montaigne, the French essayist wrote that any man who loved his wife was doomed to be dull. The Victorian era, however, witnessed a deviation as people began marrying for passion and intimacy. In the US, in the 1950's, marriage was made mandatory and people remaining unmarried were viewed as "sick, neurotic or immoral." While, 20th century watched couples date and embrace sex and eventually, and weddings were on the rocks, on the 21st century, we are subjected to conspicuous consumption in weddings which may or mostly may not spell happiness for the couples.

The classic case of a "happy" wedding of the Bhutanese King can be a point of reference to us. King Jigme Kesar, a man of the people, just married Jetsun Pema, the daughter of an airline pilot and the festivities, I am sure, increased the statistic that the country is mostly concerned about: Gross National Happiness. But is Bhutan really as happy as advertised? Worst of all, with a high rate of alcoholism, and with 70 percent of women in the country saying that it's OK for their husbands to hit them if they burn dinner, how happy is Bhutan, truly?

A quick look at our own land will also reveal a number of discrepant happiness indicators when it comes to marriage.

A friend of mine told me that I should book the venue of my son's wedding even before he himself sets a date. That was a joke that I was in no mood to handle…The trend to resort to expensive hotel weddings instead of the harmless Ladies Club weddings we used to attend is apparently well below our current standards. Whether or not the families can afford or rather 'should' afford such lavish weddings is another consideration. Today, there are at least 10-15 pre-wedding occasions leading to the union and at least one or two foreign performers coming down from foreign lands to grace the occasion, also at a steep price. The single paged invitation cards that reached our homes for weddings are gone. Today, we have cards that arrive with nuts, sweets et al. along with being packaged in a gift-wrap that is hard to part with.

I have another story to share today…

Shathi was standing at my door just asking me to punish her husband. Eighteen and distraught, she told me, "I will not live with him anymore." Shathi's husband has re-married, gives her no child support, beats her up and has finally thrown her out of her home, saying that she could take it or leave it.

The second one was Runa who joined in with a similar and a more aggressive demand. Runa, our thin, yet hyper-energetic girl who has just been with us for the last eight months, complained, "Apni ki lekhen? Amago kotha likhbar paren na" (What do you write about? Can't you write about us?" Runa comes from Mesera village in Kushumpur of Kishoreganj. When Runa got married, rather bought her status with a dowry of Taka 35000.00. Within days, Runa discovered that her husband had another wife. When confronted, he answered, "Nobody asked me if I was married; so I didn't volunteer the information." Runa noticed a young kid in the household calling her husband: "mama" (uncle). Runa eventually snooped around and found family photograph of her husband with his wife and that little kid in a frame, carefully hidden in her mother-in-law's room. That kid, in reality, was his. When pushed, he answered, "Her mother has died. How can you leave an orphan and walk out on me?" On the third day, the "dead" wife returned and beat Runa up. Runa has a simple line: "Mora kemney jita hoy?" (How can a dead person come back to life?) That very morning, Runa ran away from home with Tk 100.00 and came to work in Dhaka. Ever since then, she has stayed with us. But till date, her husband calls her, threatens her by saying that he needs a cut from her salary.

As wives and mothers, we, too have our own stories to tell. We keep quiet lest the society brands us with a 'Taslima Nasreen' tag. With happiness hardly at sight, with uncertainties plaguing our hyper modern lives, with lies laced around most of our necks, and above all, with so many Runa's and Shathi's around, how worth is it for us to comply with social mockery by booking the wedding venues, serving the biryani, hang albatrosses around the bride's neck and parade the groom with a noose around? In a country like ours, when only $300 covers a years supply of anti-retroviral drugs for one HIV positive child and where only $17 can immunise a child against the 6 major childhood diseases, how much should we exactly be spending on weddings?

When shall we ever teach truth to our children and when shall we ever step out of our layers of lies?

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Rubana Huq, Managing Director, Mohammadi Group.